I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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