am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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