I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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