i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
