I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
