My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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