why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Send help, water and tortillas.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
