No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize