bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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