If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
