well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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