Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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