I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
