he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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