Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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