I faked an abortion last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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