Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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