She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
