she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
