A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
