I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
