i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it's like iHOP with fire
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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