I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I think my moral compass just broke
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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