Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
