I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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