If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
