when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
