i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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