i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
