i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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