I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize