I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
