I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
