How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
