2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
