Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
