Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
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overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
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You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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