She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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