I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
