Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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