sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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