I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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