I think I died a long time ago.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
