I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
