haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
