Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
