u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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