I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
