don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
