you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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