I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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