Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
