we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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