im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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