I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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