She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
